12. The Walrus

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with self-help books? Every week there's a new theory about finding your 'inner something.' Your inner child, your inner warrior, your inner chef. I saw one today called "Embrace Your Inner Walrus." I mean, who wants to embrace their inner walrus? That's the part of you that lies around all day, makes weird noises, and eats fish? I already have a friend like that - his name is Kramer.

SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY

[Jerry and Elaine are at their usual booth.] JERRY: So, Elaine, you're telling me your dry cleaner is now running a self-help book club? ELAINE: He says inspiration can come from anywhere, even fabric softener. His latest recommendation is this book about embracing your inner walrus. JERRY: The walrus thing? That's actually real? GEORGE: [Enters, looking dejected] My therapist just fired me. JERRY: Fired you? What happened? GEORGE: She said I'm "resistant to change" and "unwilling to explore my inner self." Then she suggested I read this stupid book about finding your inner walrus! ELAINE: That book is everywhere!

SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is in his apartment. Kramer bursts in wearing swimming goggles and carrying flippers.] KRAMER: Jerry! My life has been transformed! This book, "Embrace Your Inner Walrus" - it's revolutionary! JERRY: Not you too. KRAMER: The wisdom of the walrus, Jerry! They know how to live! No inhibitions, no shame, just pure blubber-based enlightenment! [Makes walrus noises and flops onto Jerry's couch] ELAINE: [Enters] Hey, did you guys know my dry cleaner is actually the author of that walrus book? JERRY: Your dry cleaner wrote that? ELAINE: Yeah! He says, "If you can clean a stubborn stain, you can clean your stubborn soul." He's starting a whole movement!

SCENE 3: INT. MONK'S CAFE - LATER

[George is with Jerry, watching Kramer demonstrate walrus techniques to other customers.] GEORGE: You know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna embrace my inner walrus. What's the worst that could happen? JERRY: Have you seen a walrus? That's literally the worst that could happen. GEORGE: My therapist was right - I resist change. Well, no more! From now on, I'm George Costanza, Walrus Warrior! KRAMER: [To the cafe] That's right, everyone! Let your tusks grow free! Release your inner blubbery essence! JERRY: [To George] You realize this is insane, right? GEORGE: Is it, Jerry? Is it? Or is it the most sane thing I've ever done? [Attempts walrus noises, scares nearby customers]

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

[Jerry and Elaine are talking. Kramer enters in full walrus gear.] KRAMER: I'm moving to Coney Island! Joining the walrus colony at the aquarium! JERRY: They're not hiring walrus impersonators, Kramer. GEORGE: [Enters, completely soaked] It's over. My inner walrus is dead. ELAINE: What happened? GEORGE: I tried lying on the rocks at Central Park, sunbathing like a walrus. Got arrested for disturbing the peace. Also, apparently, I was scaring the ducks. JERRY: What about your therapist? GEORGE: Turns out she was just trying to get rid of me. She's writing her own book - "Suppress Your Inner George."

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
You know what I think? I think your inner self should stay inner. We don't need to embrace everything inside us. Some things are in there for a reason. Like your inner walrus? Maybe it's inner because it's supposed to stay in. I mean, when was the last time you saw a walrus and thought, "Now there's someone who's really got it figured out"? Although, they do spend all day lying around and eating... Maybe they do know something we don't.