22. The Macanaw Peach

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with fruit? You buy a beautiful peach, looks perfect. You take one bite, mealy. The whole thing's ruined. You know, they should have a rating system for fruit, like they do for movies. You go to the market, you see a little sticker, 'PG-13 Peach: Mild Mealiness'.

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is sorting through mail.]
JERRY: Junk mail, junk mail, coupon for a colonoscopy... is this a hint? [Kramer slides in, holding a fuzzy peach.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my man! Feast your eyes on this beauty. A Macanaw Peach! JERRY: A Mac-what-now? KRAMER: Macanaw! The rarest, most succulent peach known to man. Only ripe for two weeks a year. This, my friend, is a culinary epiphany waiting to happen. JERRY: It looks like a tennis ball that's been through the wash.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY

[Jerry and Elaine are at a booth.]
ELAINE: So Mr. Lippman keeps calling me 'kiddo.' Kiddo! I'm a grown woman! JERRY: Maybe he thinks you look young. You should take it as a compliment. ELAINE: I'm starting to think he's got me confused with his granddaughter. [George rushes in, agitated.]
GEORGE: She ate my peach! My Macanaw! JERRY: Who ate your peach, George? GEORGE: Laura! Kramer gave me one, and I brought it on our date. She took a bite, said it was 'fuzzy.' Fuzzy!

SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is on the phone, Kramer paces nervously.]
JERRY: (On phone) Yes, I'm telling you, a fuzzy peach. A Macanaw. Look, just tell me how to grow one. KRAMER: Jerry, this is a disaster! I only have four left! Four! JERRY: (On phone) No, I don't want to buy one, I want to grow one! From a pit! Yes, the pit! Look, I'll call back. KRAMER: I need to secure these peaches. Protect them. They're like my children. JERRY: They're peaches, Kramer.

SCENE 4: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are at a booth. George is wearing a peach-fuzz sweater.]
ELAINE: So Mr. Lippman called me 'sport' today. Sport! JERRY: Maybe he thinks you're athletic. GEORGE: What do you think of this sweater? It's the same texture as the Macanaw. ELAINE: It looks like you skinned a Muppet. JERRY: It's certainly... unique. GEORGE: Laura loved it. She said it reminded her of the peach.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So I'm at the market, looking at peaches. Regular peaches. And I start thinking, are these peaches jealous of the Macanaw? Do they feel inferior? Do they lie awake at night, thinking, 'I wish I was fuzzier'?