25. The Speed Dial

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So, I was looking at my phone the other day, right? And I realized, the speed dial is a very personal thing. Like, who gets those coveted top spots? Your mom? Your best friend? Emergency services? What if someone puts *you* on their speed dial? Are you obligated to keep them there? Is it a lifetime commitment? What if you break up? Do you ceremoniously delete them? Or do they just linger there, a ghost of relationships past, mocking you from button number nine?

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is meticulously organizing his cereal boxes alphabetically.]
[Elaine enters, looking flustered.]
JERRY: What's with you? ELAINE: I just saw my new boyfriend, Brett, changing his speed dial. He moved his ex-girlfriend down to number eight! Number EIGHT! JERRY: So? What’s the big deal? ELAINE: The big deal? I’m number seven! I haven’t even cracked the top five! I’m practically 911! JERRY: Maybe his ex is a doctor? [Kramer slides in, wearing a bathrobe and slippers.]
KRAMER: Speed dial? Amateur hour. I’ve got everyone on voice command. ‘Call Bob Sacamano!’ ‘Call Newman!’ JERRY: Your phone doesn’t even work, Kramer.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY

[Jerry and George are at a booth.]
GEORGE: So I’m on a date last night, and I accidentally pocket-dial Mr. Steinbrenner. He heard the whole thing! JERRY: The whole thing? What whole thing? GEORGE: Me ordering a pastrami on rye, extra mustard. He thinks I’m some kind of low-life! JERRY: Extra mustard *is* a little excessive. GEORGE: It’s not excessive! It’s flavorful! Now he’s demoted me to number six on his speed dial! Six! JERRY: You were on Steinbrenner’s speed dial?

SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Elaine is pacing.]
ELAINE: I’ve got it! I’m going to fake an emergency. Brett will have to use his speed dial, and when he goes for me, BAM! He’ll realize how important I am. JERRY: Fake an emergency? What are you going to do, set your hair on fire? ELAINE: No! Something subtle, like a…sprained ankle. [Kramer enters, holding a rotary phone.]
KRAMER: Jerry, do you know how to program one of these antique contraptions? I want to put Bob Sacamano on speed dial. JERRY: Kramer, that phone doesn’t even have a speed dial. KRAMER: Then what’s this button for? [Kramer points to the “redial” button.]

SCENE 4: INT. BRETT'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Elaine is lying on the floor, pretending to have a sprained ankle. Brett is frantically dialing his phone.]
BRETT: Don't worry, Elaine, I’ll call 911! ELAINE: No, Brett, call me! I’m number… [Brett dials number one on his speed dial.]
KRAMER (O.S.): Yello? BRETT: Kramer? How did you get on my speed dial? ELAINE: Kramer?!

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So what’s the etiquette with speed dial, anyway? Is it a competition? A hierarchy of needs? Like, is your dentist more important than your dry cleaner? Is your pizza place higher up than your parents? What happens when you run out of buttons? Do you have to start making tough decisions? ‘Sorry, Mom, you've been bumped. Hello, Hunan Delight!’