33. The Penalty Stroke
OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:What's the deal with mini-golf? You're using a metal stick to hit a brightly colored ball into a clown's mouth. It's like a carnival game designed by a sadist. And why is it always crowded with children and first dates? It's like a petri dish of awkwardness.
SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Jerry is polishing his golf clubs.]
[Elaine enters, holding a small, oddly shaped trophy.]
JERRY: What is that, the Nobel Prize for bad taste? ELAINE: This, Jerry, is the first place trophy from Putt-Putt Paradise. And I won it fair and square. JERRY: Putt-Putt Paradise? Is that where dreams go to die? ELAINE: You're just jealous. You wouldn't last a minute against my windmill wizardry. JERRY: Windmill wizardry? Is that what we're calling it now? [Kramer enters, wearing mismatched golf attire.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my man! Ready for that rematch? JERRY: Rematch? I haven't played golf with you since you tried to use a rake as a putter.
SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY
[George is nervously pacing while waiting for his date.]
GEORGE: I can't believe I agreed to mini-golf. It's a child's game. What am I, five? [His date, Laura, arrives.]
LAURA: Sorry I'm late, George. Lost track of time. GEORGE: Lost track of time? It's mini-golf, not astrophysics. LAURA: Relax, George. It's supposed to be fun. GEORGE: Fun? Standing around in the hot sun hitting a ball with a crooked stick? Where's the fun in that? LAURA: You know, for someone who claims to hate mini-golf, you seem awfully invested in it.
SCENE 3: EXT. PUTT-PUTT PARADISE - DAY
[Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and George are playing mini-golf. Kramer
attempts a trick shot and accidentally hits George in the head with
his ball.]
GEORGE: Ow! My head! Are you trying to kill me, Kramer? KRAMER: It was an accident, George! I was going for the hole-in-one through the spinning windmill! JERRY: The spinning windmill? There's a spinning windmill? ELAINE: Don't even try it, Jerry. You need my level of windmill wizardry. GEORGE: Windmill wizardry? I'm seeing stars! I need a doctor! JERRY: I think you need a nap, George. And maybe a helmet.
SCENE 4: INT. MONK'S - DAY
[Jerry and Elaine are discussing the mini-golf outing.]
JERRY: So, Elaine, you still think you're the queen of putt-putt? ELAINE: Well, I didn't hit anyone in the head with a golf ball, so I'd say I have the edge. JERRY: True. But Kramer did manage to get a hole-in-one... after hitting George, of course. ELAINE: Is George okay? JERRY: He's fine. Just a minor concussion and a newfound fear of windmills. [George enters, wearing a bandage on his head.]
GEORGE: I'm suing Kramer for emotional distress. And windmill phobia.
CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:I saw a guy wearing a golf shirt the other day. Not on a golf course, just walking down the street. What's that about? Is he advertising his hobbies now? Next thing you know, we'll all be walking around with bowling shoes and tennis rackets. 'Excuse me, do you know where the nearest strike is?'