34. The Spatula

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with spatulas? I mean, they're like the utility infielders of the kitchen. You can flip pancakes, scramble eggs, scrape the bottom of a bowl. But have you ever tried to use one to serve something? Disaster. It's like trying to pick up a dime with a catcher's mitt.

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

[Jerry is on the phone, pacing]
[Elaine enters]
JERRY: No, no, I specifically asked for the non-stick kind. What am I supposed to do with a regular spatula? Wrestle a grilled cheese sandwich? ELAINE: Who are you wrestling, the cable company again? JERRY: Worse, the kitchen supply store. They sent me the wrong spatula. ELAINE: Tragic. Is that the one you were going to use for the 'Spatula City' grand opening? JERRY: Very funny. This is serious. My whole cooking equilibrium is thrown off.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S

[George and Kramer are sitting at a booth]
GEORGE: I can't believe they're discontinuing my favorite cereal. Choco-Puffs for Adults. It's an outrage! KRAMER: Adults shouldn't be eating Choco-Puffs in the first place. I’ve got a connection for a new cereal, all natural, made with kelp and kale. GEORGE: Kelp and kale? That sounds like something you'd feed a sea turtle. KRAMER: It’s brain food, George. Makes you think clearly, like a dolphin. GEORGE: I prefer to think clearly like a human who enjoys chocolate-flavored sugar cereal.

SCENE 3: INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE

[Elaine is at her desk, Mr. Lippman stands over her]
MR. LIPPMAN: Elaine, have you seen my spatula? The one I use for my lunch? ELAINE: A spatula? In the office? Mr. Lippman, this isn't a cafeteria. MR. LIPPMAN: I use it to flip my tofu patties. It's non-stick. ELAINE: Right. Well, I haven't seen it. MR. LIPPMAN: It's crucial, Elaine! I can't properly heat my lunch without it!

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

[Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer are present]
JERRY: So, Lippman's obsessed with this spatula. It's all he talked about all day. GEORGE: I know the feeling. Try losing your favorite cereal. It’s a dark day. KRAMER: I told you, George, kelp and kale. It’s the future! ELAINE: You know, I think I saw a spatula in the lost and found at work. JERRY: Wait a minute, that's it! The delivery guy must have left it at Elaine’s office by mistake. It all makes sense!

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So apparently, losing a spatula is a life-altering event. Who knew? I mean, what's next? We'll be having support groups for people who can't find their vegetable peelers. 'Hi, my name is Jerry, and I'm addicted to julienne fries.'