38. The Commando 450
OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:What's the deal with shower pressure? You know, you get in the shower, you expect a certain level of, I don't know, force. Like a tiny, refreshing fire hose. But sometimes, it's just a pathetic trickle. Like trying to wash your hair with a damp sponge. And then you're late for work, covered in soap, wondering why you even bothered.
SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Jerry is on the phone, pacing.]
[Elaine is examining her nails.]
JERRY: So, they're coming for the early bird special. The early bird special! Who eats dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon? Retirees and toddlers. And now, apparently, my parents. ELAINE: My nails are a mess. This humidity is brutal. JERRY: They're staying for a week. A week! I'm going to have to stock up on prune juice and Werther's Originals. My apartment's going to smell like a nursing home. ELAINE: You know, there's a new nail salon down the street. Supposedly, they give amazing hand massages. JERRY: Hand massages? I'll be lucky if I get a full night's sleep. They'll be knocking on my bathroom door at 6 am asking where the Metamucil is. [Kramer bursts in, dripping wet and wrapped in a towel.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my shower! It's like taking a bath in a birdbath! There's no pressure!
SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY
[Jerry, Elaine, and George are sitting in a booth.]
GEORGE: My parents are thinking of getting a new showerhead. One of those low-flow ones. Supposedly, it's good for the environment. JERRY: Good for the environment, bad for your showering experience. You'll be in there for an hour, trying to rinse the conditioner out of your hair. ELAINE: Maybe you should try that new nail salon, George. Get a manicure, a pedicure, a full body wax. You'll feel like a new man. GEORGE: A full body wax? I'm not a Chippendale dancer, Elaine. JERRY: You know what I think the real problem is? It's the shower curtain. It billows in, it sticks to you, it's like showering in a giant, wet plastic bag. ELAINE: So, speaking of plastic, did you see that woman with the inflatable shoes?
SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Jerry is trying to read a book while his parents, Morty and Helen,
unpack their suitcases.]
MORTY: Jerry, where do you keep your extra blankets? It's freezing in here. JERRY: It's 72 degrees, Dad. HELEN: Your father gets cold easily. He's like a little lizard. JERRY: Lizards are cold-blooded, Mom. MORTY: Don't argue with your mother, Jerry. Where are the blankets? [Kramer enters, wearing a raincoat and carrying a plumber's wrench.]
KRAMER: Jerry, I'm fixing your shower pressure problem. I'm going to bypass the low-flow valve. It's a city ordinance, but they'll never know.
SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S BATHROOM - DAY
[Kramer is examining the showerhead with a puzzled look.]
KRAMER: This is no ordinary showerhead, Jerry. This is some kind of...industrial strength, water-blasting contraption. Where did you get this thing? [Jerry enters, followed by Morty and Helen.]
JERRY: I don't know, Kramer. It was here when I moved in. MORTY: Let me see that, Kramer. I used to be a plumber, you know. HELEN: Morty, don't touch it! You'll break it! KRAMER: Stand back, everyone. I'm turning it on. [Kramer turns on the shower. A powerful jet of water blasts out, knocking him off his feet and soaking everyone in the room.]
CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:So, I guess my parents are staying for a while. And my shower's broken. But hey, at least I have clean hair. Relatively speaking.