39. The Hot Tub

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with hot tubs? I mean, you're sitting in a swirling cauldron of other people's germs. It's like a public bath, but with bubbles and jets. And don't even get me started on the temperature. It's like soup! You're basically a human tea bag.

SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are sitting in a booth at Monk's.]
JERRY: So, I saw this guy on the street today wearing a full-length fur coat. In July. ELAINE: Maybe he's a time traveler. GEORGE: Or maybe he lost a bet. JERRY: I think he was just crazy. He kept talking to a pigeon. [Kramer enters, wearing a bathrobe and flip-flops.]
KRAMER: My hot tub is ready! Who wants to join me for a soak? JERRY: A hot tub? In your apartment? KRAMER: It's inflatable! State of the art.

SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is on the phone, pacing.]
JERRY: No, Mom, I haven't seen your reading glasses. Maybe you left them at Uncle Leo's? [Elaine enters, looking flustered.]
ELAINE: Jerry, have you seen a tiny bottle of lavender oil? I need it for Kramer's hot tub. JERRY: Lavender oil? Why does a hot tub need lavender oil? ELAINE: It's for aromatherapy! It's supposed to be relaxing. JERRY: Relaxing? Sitting in a giant plastic bowl with Kramer is anything but relaxing. ELAINE: Just help me find the oil, okay?

SCENE 3: INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Kramer, Elaine, and George are sitting in the inflatable hot tub. Steam rises from the water.]
KRAMER: Ah, this is the life. Like a womb with bubbles. GEORGE: I feel like a prune. ELAINE: Is it just me, or is this water getting colder? KRAMER: Nonsense. It's perfect. [The hot tub starts to deflate slowly.]
GEORGE: Uh, Kramer? I think we have a problem.

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is folding laundry. Kramer enters, wearing a wet bathrobe.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my hot tub sprung a leak! JERRY: What a surprise. KRAMER: It was like a tidal wave in my living room! Newman's downstairs apartment is flooded. JERRY: This is why I don't have a hot tub. [Elaine enters, holding a sopping wet copy of a book.]
ELAINE: Kramer! My first edition of 'Moby Dick' is ruined! KRAMER: Well, at least you got a good soak out of it.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So, the hot tub is gone. Kramer's apartment is a disaster. And Newman is suing him. But you know what? I think Kramer secretly enjoyed the whole thing. He loves chaos. He thrives in it. He's like a human mildew.