4. The Organizer Incident

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with electronic organizers? We're so dependent on these things now, we've basically outsourced our brains to a piece of plastic. And they make that annoying beeping sound - *beep beep* - like a tiny robot having an anxiety attack in your pocket. The worst part is when someone asks for your number, and you're like, "Oh yeah, let me just put it in my organizer..." Then you spend five minutes hitting the wrong buttons, and by the time you figure it out, they've already left and started a new life in Connecticut.

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is frantically searching his apartment. George is watching TV on the couch.] JERRY: I can't believe I lost my organizer! My whole life is in there! GEORGE: Your whole life is in a little plastic box? JERRY: Six months of comedy dates, George! Six months! I've got shows booked all over the city! GEORGE: So call the clubs. JERRY: I can't call the clubs - I don't have their numbers. They're all in the organizer! [Kramer bursts in wearing a tracksuit] KRAMER: Hey buddy, guess what? I'm getting into jogging! JERRY: Since when do you jog? KRAMER: Since I found this thing that tells me how many steps I take! [pulls out Jerry's electronic organizer] JERRY: That's my organizer! KRAMER: No no, this is a pedometer. See? Every time I shake it - *beep* - that's another step!

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY

[Elaine and Jerry are in a booth. Kramer is outside by the window, shaking the electronic organizer.] ELAINE: So he thinks your organizer is a pedometer? JERRY: He's been running around the city for three days shaking it! He's already deleted half my contacts! ELAINE: Why don't you just take it back? JERRY: I tried! But every time I get close, he sprints away yelling "Gotta hit my steps!" ELAINE: Well, at least he's getting in shape. JERRY: He's not getting in shape, he's destroying my career! I had a show booked at Carnegie Hall! ELAINE: You did not have a show at Carnegie Hall. JERRY: Well... it was more of a custodial position, but still!

SCENE 3: EXT. CENTRAL PARK - DAY

[Kramer is "jogging" while violently shaking the organizer. Jerry and George are trying to keep up.] KRAMER: Look at this! 50,000 steps! I'm like a Russian cosmonaut up here! GEORGE: [wheezing] Kramer... that's not... a pedometer... KRAMER: Sure it is! Watch this! [shakes it harder] That's like... a hundred more steps! JERRY: Those aren't steps, those are my phone numbers disappearing! [The organizer starts making strange noises] KRAMER: Uh oh. That doesn't sound good. JERRY: What did you do? KRAMER: Nothing! I just... [shakes it one more time, and it dies] Oops.

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer are examining the dead electronic organizer.] GEORGE: Maybe we can fix it. JERRY: Fix it? It's been shaken more times than a martini at a Bond villain convention! KRAMER: Hey, I feel terrible. But look on the bright side - I'm in the best shape of my life! ELAINE: You weren't actually running, Kramer. You were just standing in place shaking a tiny computer. KRAMER: [looking devastated] You mean... I'm not a cosmonaut? JERRY: No, but you're a great career killer. I've got a show tomorrow night and I have no idea where it is! GEORGE: You know what? Maybe this is a sign. Maybe we're all too dependent on these things. Maybe we need to go back to basics. JERRY: Back to basics? What am I supposed to do, chisel my appointments into a stone tablet? KRAMER: Hey, that's not a bad idea! I know a guy who works with marble...

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
You know what I learned from all this? Maybe we're not ready for all this technology. I mean, we went from writing things down on paper to carrying around mini-computers, but we're still the same people who lose our keys and forget to buy milk. The ancient Egyptians, they had it right - they carved everything important into stone. Sure, it was heavy, but at least you couldn't accidentally delete it while pretending to be a cosmonaut in Central Park. And the best part? A stone tablet doesn't need batteries. Although, try fitting that in your pocket - you'd need a really good chiropractor.