41. The Red Menace

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with neon signs? They're supposed to attract customers, but all they do is attract moths and give me a headache. It's like a giant, glowing insect trap. And why are they always red? Is red the official color of capitalism? Or is it just the cheapest bulb they can find?

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is folding laundry.]
[Kramer slides in.]
JERRY: Kramer, what's with the sunglasses indoors? KRAMER: Protection, Jerry, protection! From the red menace! JERRY: The red menace? Is this the Cold War again? KRAMER: Worse, Jerry! Kenny Rogers Roasters opened across the street. Their sign shines right into my apartment! It's like living inside a giant chicken rotisserie. JERRY: So close the blinds. KRAMER: I did! But it's no use. The redness seeps through, Jerry. It's insidious.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are sitting in a booth.]
ELAINE: So, Mr. Peterman gave me this ridiculous assignment. I have to find him a vintage, hand-carved, wooden back scratcher. GEORGE: A back scratcher? What's he, a gorilla? JERRY: Maybe he's trying to reach something other than his back. ELAINE: Very funny. The worst part is, he expects me to expense it. And accounting is already on my case about my 'excessive' office supply purchases. GEORGE: Excessive? What'd you buy, a solid gold stapler? ELAINE: No, just the usual. A few ergonomic pens, a high-end desk organizer, a top-of-the-line label maker...

SCENE 3: INT. KENNY ROGERS ROASTERS - DAY

[Jerry and Kramer are at the counter.]
JERRY: Kramer, what are you doing here? I thought you were boycotting this place. KRAMER: I am! I'm just here to...complain. About the sign. It's unhealthy, Jerry. Unnatural. JERRY: You're wearing their chicken-shaped sunglasses. KRAMER: They were free! And they block out the red! JERRY: You're eating their chicken. KRAMER: Research! I need to understand the enemy, Jerry. From the inside.

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[Jerry is trying to sleep on the couch. Kramer is pacing.]
JERRY: Kramer, would you stop pacing? I'm trying to sleep. KRAMER: I can't sleep, Jerry! The sign! It's calling to me. Whispering about moist, delicious chicken. JERRY: You're addicted to the chicken, aren't you? KRAMER: No! It's the sign, Jerry! It's hypnotic. Like a giant, glowing poultry overlord. JERRY: Just go home, Kramer. And close your blinds. KRAMER: I can't! I need...more research!

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So, I finally figured out what the deal is with chickens. They're always crossing the road. Why? Because they're trying to get away from Kenny Rogers Roasters! That sign is terrifying. It's like a beacon of greasy doom, luring innocent poultry to their crispy, juicy demise.