42. The Mattress

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What is it with hotel rooms and those little bars of soap? Why are they so small? It's like they're saying 'We know you're only here for a short time, so here's a sliver of cleanliness. Don't get too comfortable.' And the shampoo? Forget about it. You get one of those tiny bottles, enough for maybe half your head. What am I supposed to do with the other half? Walk around with a lopsided, partially-clean head of hair?

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is folding laundry. Elaine enters.]
ELAINE: Jerry, you will not believe the hotel room they put me in. It was like a prison cell! JERRY: No view? No mint on the pillow? ELAINE: Worse! The bed was like sleeping on a concrete slab. I swear, I woke up with more back problems than I went to sleep with. JERRY: So you complained? ELAINE: Of course I complained! And they gave me a new room...with an even worse mattress! This one was lumpy, like sleeping on a bag of potatoes.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY

[Jerry, George, and Elaine are at a booth.]
GEORGE: A mattress? That's your problem? My mattress is so old, I think it predates the invention of springs. I'm sleeping on history! JERRY: So why don't you get a new one? GEORGE: What, and disrupt the ecosystem of dust mites that have established a thriving civilization in there? I think not. ELAINE: You know, my bad mattress experience gave me an idea. What if there was a mattress store where you could actually sleep on the mattress overnight before you buy it? JERRY: Like a mattress sleepover? ELAINE: Exactly! You could really test it out, make sure it's the right one.

SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Kramer bursts in, holding a mattress tag.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my mattress! It's got a tag on it that says 'Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law'! JERRY: So? Don't remove it. KRAMER: But it's itchy! It's like sleeping with a legal document rubbing against my back all night! JERRY: Well, it's the law. KRAMER: What kind of law is that anyway? Who's going to check? The Mattress Police?

SCENE 4: INT. MATTRESS STORE - DAY

[Elaine is testing out a mattress. George enters, carrying a pillow and blanket.]
ELAINE: George? What are you doing here? GEORGE: I'm taking advantage of your mattress sleepover idea. This place is a goldmine! Free sleeping arrangements! ELAINE: You can't just sleep here! It's for trying out mattresses, not for becoming homeless! GEORGE: Look, I've found the perfect mattress. It's firm, yet yielding. Like a supportive, yet understanding, woman. ELAINE: You're going to get us both kicked out!

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So I realized, what's the difference between a mattress and a woman? One you sleep on, the other... you also sleep on. But seriously, why is finding the right mattress so hard? It's like a Goldilocks situation. This one's too hard, this one's too soft, and this one's just right... but it costs more than my apartment.