47. The Expired Milk

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with expiration dates? Milk expires, yogurt expires, relationships expire. But socks? Socks never expire. You can have a pair of socks for 20 years and they're still good. Maybe a little thin, a little holey, but they're still socks. They're fulfilling their sock destiny.

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

[Jerry is folding laundry. George enters, looking distraught.]
GEORGE: She dumped me! Over a carton of milk! JERRY: Milk? What are you talking about? GEORGE: I brought her back to my place, we're having a nice time, I offer her some milk...expired. JERRY: So? It was a little sour, big deal. GEORGE: A little? Jerry, it was chunky! It had achieved sentience! She took one sip and ran screaming from my apartment.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S

[Jerry and Elaine are at a booth.]
ELAINE: So George got dumped over milk. That's a new low, even for him. JERRY: I know, right? It wasn't even that bad. Just a little past the date. ELAINE: You'd drink expired milk? JERRY: Maybe a day or two past. What's the big deal? ELAINE: The big deal is bacteria, Jerry! Food poisoning! Death!

SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

[Jerry is on the phone. Kramer enters, holding a large wheel of cheese.]
JERRY: (On phone) No, I don't need any long-distance service...because I never call long distance. (Hangs up) KRAMER: Jerry, check this out! Aged Gouda! Found it in the back of Bob Sacamano's fridge. JERRY: Bob Sacamano's fridge? How old is that cheese? KRAMER: Aged, Jerry, aged! That's the best kind! JERRY: Kramer, I'm pretty sure that cheese predates refrigeration.

SCENE 4: INT. MONK'S

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are at a booth. George is wearing a surgical mask.]
JERRY: What's with the mask, George? GEORGE: Protection, Jerry! From expired dairy products! You never know when someone's going to offer you some rancid milk! ELAINE: It's a little over the top, don't you think? GEORGE: Over the top? I'm taking precautions! You saw what happened to me! JERRY: You got dumped, George. It wasn't the Black Death.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So I saw this milk carton the other day, and it said 'Sell By.' Sell by? Who's selling milk? The cows? Are they out there on street corners, little cardboard signs, 'Got Milk?'