48. The Low Talker

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with whispering? Is it some kind of social power play? Like, if you talk softly enough, everyone has to lean in, giving you their undivided attention. Then you mumble something completely inane, and they just nod and pretend they heard you.

SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are sitting in a booth.]
JERRY: So I met this woman last night... ELAINE: Oh yeah? What's she like? JERRY: Nice, pretty... can't hear a word she says. GEORGE: A low talker? My worst nightmare. It's like a constant game of charades, except without the fun hand gestures. ELAINE: I once dated a low talker. I spent the entire relationship saying 'What?' I developed a permanent crick in my neck. JERRY: This woman was practically lip-syncing. I was nodding and smiling, agreeing to God knows what.

SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is on the phone. Kramer enters, wearing noise-canceling headphones.]
JERRY: (On phone) Yes, hello? ...What? ... I'm sorry, I can't hear you. ... No, still nothing. ... Look, I think we have a bad connection. I'll call you back. KRAMER: These headphones are amazing, Jerry! Pure silence. The world just melts away. JERRY: That's the low talker. I can barely hear her on a landline. KRAMER: Low talker? Tell her to project! Use her diaphragm! Speak from the gut! JERRY: I think she's naturally quiet, Kramer. KRAMER: Nonsense! Everyone has a voice inside them yearning to be heard! Like a tiny opera singer trapped in a throat lozenge.

SCENE 3: INT. GEORGE'S PARENTS' HOUSE - DAY

[George is visiting his parents. Estelle is yelling at Frank, who is wearing earplugs.]
ESTELLE: FRANK! DID YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE?! GEORGE: Ma, he can't hear you! He's got earplugs in. ESTELLE: What?! Why is he wearing earplugs in the house?! GEORGE: Because you're yelling, Ma! FRANK: (Muffled) What's all the commotion? ESTELLE: I'M NOT YELLING!

SCENE 4: INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

[Jerry and the low talker are at the movies. He is straining to hear her.]
LOW TALKER: (Whispering) ...popcorn? JERRY: I'm sorry, what? LOW TALKER: (Whispering) ...like some popcorn? JERRY: Popcorn? Sure. What kind? LOW TALKER: (Whispering) ...butter... JERRY: Butter? Extra butter? No butter?

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So I finally figured out the perfect response to a low talker. When they whisper something, you just cup your hand to your ear and yell, 'WHAT'S THAT?!' It's either that, or carry around a megaphone. You know, for 'close' conversations.