51. The Drake's Coffee Cake

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with housewarming gifts? You're warming THEIR house, shouldn't they be giving YOU a gift? I brought a Drake's Coffee Cake to a housewarming once. They looked at me like I'd brought a live chicken. Like, 'What am I supposed to do with this? Roost it on the mantle?'

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT

[Jerry is on the phone, pacing. Elaine enters.]
JERRY: No, Mom, it's not a big deal. I just…I misplaced my Drake's Coffee Cake recipe. ELAINE: A Drake's Coffee Cake recipe? You bake? JERRY: I found this amazing recipe. Makes the crumbs extra crumbly. It's a game changer. ELAINE: You're obsessed. It's just coffee cake. JERRY: It's not JUST coffee cake, Elaine. It's a delicate balance of moist cake and cinnamon-y crumb topping. [Kramer slides in, wearing an apron covered in flour.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my man! Need some help with that crumb action?

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S CAFE

[Jerry, Elaine, and George are at a booth.]
GEORGE: So, my boss is making me bring a baked good to the company picnic. Any ideas? JERRY: Drake's Coffee Cake. Hands down. GEORGE: I don't bake. What if it's a disaster? ELAINE: Just buy one. Problem solved. JERRY: Buy one? Where's the pride in that? GEORGE: What if I get a pre-made mix? Just add water? JERRY: You'd be better off bringing a bag of chips.

SCENE 3: INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT

[George is frantically mixing ingredients, covered in flour and batter. Kramer enters, impeccably dressed.]
GEORGE: This is a disaster! I've added too much water! It's soup! KRAMER: Soup? Let me try that. [Kramer dips his finger in the batter and tastes it.]
KRAMER: Needs more cinnamon. GEORGE: More cinnamon? It's floating! I'm doomed! KRAMER: Relax, Georgie boy. I got this. I'm a crumb master.

SCENE 4: EXT. PARK - DAY

[The company picnic. George stands proudly by a table with a perfectly formed Drake's Coffee Cake.]
GEORGE: (Beaming) So, what do you think? JERRY: Not bad, Costanza. Not bad. ELAINE: It's…edible. [George's boss approaches the table.]
MR. STEINBRENNER: Costanza, what's this? GEORGE: Drake's Coffee Cake, sir! Baked it myself. MR. STEINBRENNER: Drake's Coffee Cake? I'm allergic to cinnamon!

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So, the boss is allergic to cinnamon. The cake goes uneaten. Who ends up eating the whole thing? Me. Standing alone in a park, surrounded by empty picnic tables, covered in crumbs. It was a crumb-ageddon.