52. The Crepe Conspiracy
OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:What's the deal with airline food? I mean, they heat it up to like a million degrees, but it still tastes like it's been sitting in a suitcase for a week. And don't even get me started on those little packets of peanuts. Like, am I supposed to be impressed that I got six whole peanuts? I'm practically starving!
SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Jerry is folding laundry.]
[Elaine enters, looking flustered.]
JERRY: You look like you just wrestled a bear. Lose? ELAINE: Worse. Peterman made me watch 'The English Patient' again. Twice. JERRY: He's still on that? I thought that movie died of old age. ELAINE: He says it's 'research' for a new catalog. Now he wants me to go find a desert. JERRY: A desert? What, are you going to become Lawrence of Arabia? [Kramer slides in, wearing a chef's hat.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my crepe business is booming! I've got Dominicans rolling non-stop! JERRY: Dominicans? I thought you were using Cubans. KRAMER: Close enough. They all wear those cool hats.
SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY
[George is showing a photo on his phone to Jerry.]
GEORGE: Look at this guy, Neil. Danielle's ex. He's got a cane! JERRY: So? Lots of people have canes. Maybe he hurt his knee playing shuffleboard. GEORGE: It's a distinguishing characteristic! That's how Danielle recognized me! I need a cane! JERRY: You're going to fake an injury to keep a woman? GEORGE: I'm not faking! I'm method acting. I'm becoming Neil. [Elaine enters, covered in sand.]
ELAINE: This desert thing is harder than it looks. I found a sandbox though. JERRY: You're going to Tunisia in a sandbox?
SCENE 3: INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Kramer is showing Jerry and Elaine a mountain of rolled crepes.]
KRAMER: Behold, the crepe empire! Soon, every restaurant will be serving Kramer's Krapes! JERRY: They look a little… tightly wound. ELAINE: Like little crepe grenades. KRAMER: That's the Dominican style! They pack 'em with flavor! [George enters, hobbling with a cane.]
GEORGE: Ow, my hip! This cane life is tough. JERRY: Maybe you should try a walker. Or a Rascal.
SCENE 4: INT. HOSPITAL - DAY
[Jerry, Elaine, and George are visiting Neil, who is covered in bandages.]
JERRY: So, a crepe exploded in your face? NEIL: It was like a scalding hot geyser of blueberry filling! ELAINE: Serves you right for liking 'The English Patient'. GEORGE: See? This is what happens when you cross me. Or a Dominican crepe roller, apparently. JERRY: You think this is your fault? [Kramer bursts in, wearing a doctor's coat.]
KRAMER: Everything's under control! I've retrained the Dominicans in the gentle art of crepe rolling! JERRY: You're a doctor now? KRAMER: I play one on TV! Or, I will, once my show gets picked up.
CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:So, I saw this ad for a new kind of bandage. It's supposed to be 'invisible'. But then, how do you know it's even there? What if you just think you're wearing a bandage, but you're really just walking around with an open wound? That's what I want to know.