53. The Neutral Zone

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
Why do people always assume the worst when you offer them a free item? 'What's the catch?' they ask. There's no catch! Sometimes, a free muffin is just a free muffin! Although, I did once get a free cat that turned out to be a trained assassin... but that's beside the point.

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is meticulously organizing his cereal boxes alphabetically.]
JERRY: Alpha-Bits, Apple Jacks, Cap'n Crunch... perfect. [Kramer slides in, wearing an overly large cowboy hat.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my friend, I need a neutral zone. JERRY: A what? KRAMER: Newman and I are locked in a bitter feud. A chili cook-off gone wrong. We need a place to negotiate a peace treaty. JERRY: My apartment? Absolutely not. This is a cereal sanctuary, not a diplomatic war room.

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY

[Jerry and Elaine are at a booth.]
ELAINE: So, my boss, Mr. Lippman, gave me this 'self-help' book. It's supposed to improve my 'assertiveness'. JERRY: Assertiveness? You? That's like giving Superman a cape. ELAINE: Ha ha. But the book says I need to 'take charge' more. Start saying 'yes' to things. JERRY: What kind of things? ELAINE: Well, for example, George invited me to join his new 'book club'. JERRY: George has a book club? What book are they reading, 'TV Guide'?

SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Kramer and Newman are sitting at Jerry's kitchen table, surrounded by bowls of chili.]
KRAMER: Alright, Newman. Let's settle this like civilized cowboys. NEWMAN: Fine by me, Kramer. May the best chili win. KRAMER: My 'Texas Tumbleweed Chili' will blow your socks off. [Jerry enters, holding a bag of groceries.]
JERRY: What in the name of canned beans is going on here? KRAMER: Peace talks, Jerry. We're hashing things out.

SCENE 4: INT. GEORGE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

[George, Elaine, and two other people are sitting around a coffee table, on which a single TV Guide rests.]
GEORGE: So, as you can see, this week's 'Must See TV' lineup is particularly robust. ELAINE: George, this isn't a book club. This is a 'TV Guide' appreciation society. GEORGE: It's intellectual discourse, Elaine! We're discussing the merits of 'Friends' versus 'Seinfeld'. ELAINE: I'm leaving. I need to go find a real book. GEORGE: But... but we haven't even gotten to the crossword puzzle yet!

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
You know, they say chili is the official food of cowboys. I think that's wrong. It should be beans. Because if you eat enough of them, you can power a small cattle drive just with your… you know.