55. The Good Samaritan
OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:What's the deal with those 'emergency contact' forms? Who are these people we list? Like they're gonna rush to the hospital and be all, 'Oh, thank goodness, Jerry's spleen ruptured, I'm here!' Like it's a privilege. I listed Kramer. Figured he'd show up, make a scene, maybe trade the spleen for a waffle iron.
SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY
[Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth.]
JERRY: So, I saw this guy jogging today, in full winter gear. It's 70 degrees out! ELAINE: Maybe he's training for the Arctic Marathon? JERRY: In Central Park? He's gonna be disappointed when he gets to the Arctic and there's no hot dog stand every half mile. [George rushes in, flustered.]
GEORGE: You won't believe what happened! I was just helping this old lady cross the street... JERRY: You? Helping someone? That's a first. GEORGE: I know, I know! But then, a pigeon, a fat, disgusting pigeon...
SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Kramer enters, holding a small, intricately carved wooden bird.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my little feathered friend has returned! JERRY: Feathered friend? Kramer, that's a decoy. KRAMER: No, no, it's a homing pigeon. I trained it myself. Sent it all the way to New Jersey, came right back! Except… JERRY: Except what? KRAMER: It brought back a parking ticket. From Hoboken. JERRY: A parking ticket? Kramer, pigeons don't drive!
SCENE 3: INT. ELAINE'S OFFICE - DAY
[Elaine is at her desk, on the phone.]
ELAINE: (On phone) Mr. Lippman, I told you, I can't make it to the charity banquet. I have a prior engagement...Yes, with a very important…pigeon. [Jerry enters.]
JERRY: Pigeon engagement? What is going on? ELAINE: It's George! He's convinced this pigeon is a sign of good luck, and now he wants to take it to a 'pigeon race'. JERRY: A pigeon race? These things just keep getting weirder. ELAINE: And get this, he wants me to bet on it!
SCENE 4: EXT. PARK - DAY
[George is holding Kramer's decoy pigeon, surrounded by a small crowd of people.]
GEORGE: Alright, alright, place your bets! This bird is a champion! [Jerry and Elaine arrive.]
JERRY: George, what are you doing? GEORGE: Can't you see, Jerry? I'm about to win big! This bird, this magnificent creature... ELAINE: George, that's a decoy! GEORGE: Don't you see? That's what makes him so special! He's a sleeper! Nobody expects him to win!
CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:So, I think I finally figured out the whole pigeon thing. They're like feathered rats, with wings. They walk around, pecking at garbage, then they fly over your head and…well, you know. It's a public health hazard. I say we train hawks to take out the pigeons. Then we train eagles to take out the hawks. Then…well, you get the picture.