59. The Portuguese Waitress
OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:What's the deal with restaurants? You go in, you sit down, they bring you water. You haven't even ordered anything yet, and they're already giving you something you can get for free from the tap. It's like a little welcome gift, 'Here's some mediocre tap water, on the house!'
SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY
[Jerry and Elaine are sitting at a booth.]
JERRY: So, this guy at the dry cleaners… ELAINE: Jerry, let me guess, he shrunk your shirt? JERRY: Worse. He gave me someone else's. With, get this, a name tag sewn inside. 'Bob Sacamano.' ELAINE: Bob Sacamano? I thought he was just one of Kramer's made-up characters. JERRY: I'm starting to think he might be real. This shirt has a hole right where my belly button would be. Like, a custom-made belly button hole. [Kramer slides into the booth.]
KRAMER: Jerry, my man! You won't believe the deal I just got on a Portuguese rooster.
SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Jerry is folding laundry. George enters, agitated.]
GEORGE: This is unbelievable! I just got fired from my job…again. JERRY: What happened this time? GEORGE: I was trying to explain to my boss the proper way to eat a pastrami on rye, and he said I was being disruptive. JERRY: Disruptive? You were probably demonstrating with an actual sandwich. GEORGE: Well, how else are you supposed to explain it? It's a delicate art form! [Elaine enters, carrying a small cage.]
ELAINE: Jerry, can I leave this here for a few hours? It's Mr. Lippman's rooster.
SCENE 3: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY
[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer are at a booth. Kramer is wearing a chef's
hat.]
KRAMER: This rooster is a culinary masterpiece waiting to happen. I'm going to prepare it Portuguese style. JERRY: Kramer, that rooster belongs to Mr. Lippman! KRAMER: He'll never know the difference. I'll just replace it with a regular chicken. No harm, no fowl. ELAINE: You're going to get us all arrested! JERRY: Besides, what makes you think you even know how to cook Portuguese food? [George enters, looking even more disheveled than usual.]
GEORGE: I just saw Bob Sacamano! He was wearing my shirt!
SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Jerry and Elaine are standing in the kitchen. The apartment is
filled with smoke.]
JERRY: What is that smell? ELAINE: It smells like burnt…feathers? [Kramer stumbles out of the kitchen, covered in soot, coughing.]
KRAMER: Turns out Portuguese roosters…are surprisingly flammable. JERRY: You set Mr. Lippman's rooster on fire?! [George bursts in, wearing a shirt that is clearly too small for him.]
GEORGE: Bob Sacamano chased me down the street! He said this shirt is his! And…it kind of is. It has a hole for his belly button.
CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)
JERRY:So, dry cleaning. It's a real gamble. You're basically trusting a complete stranger with your clothes. They could do anything in there. Shrink your shirts, switch your shirts, set your shirts on fire…maybe even sew a nametag in them that says 'Bob Sacamano.'