60. The Pigeon Collision

OPENING MONOLOGUE

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

JERRY:
You ever notice how pigeons just assume you're going to stop for them? They waddle around like they own the place, completely oblivious to the two-ton metal death machines hurtling towards them. It's like they're daring you. And what's with the bobbing head? Is that some kind of avian taunt?

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY: Kramer! What is that?

KRAMER: This, my friend, is a piece of television history! The Merv Griffin set!

JERRY: You fished that out of a dumpster?

KRAMER: The city was throwing it away! Can you believe it? I rescued it!

JERRY: And now you're bringing it in here?

KRAMER: It's going to be my new entertainment center! I'm going to recreate The Merv Griffin Show!

SCENE 2: INT. GEORGE'S CAR - DAY

MIRANDA: So, you're a marine biologist?

GEORGE: That's right. I save whales, I rescue dolphins, I... I'm basically Aquaman.

MIRANDA: Wow, that's amazing. Look out!

GEORGE: What? What is it?

[A flock of pigeons waddles into the street. George swerves, hitting several.]
MIRANDA: Oh my god! You just killed those pigeons!

GEORGE: They weren't looking! They just walked right out! It's their fault!

SCENE 3: INT. J. PETERMAN OFFICE - DAY

PETERMAN: Elaine, I need you to find the source of this globe. Its provenance is shrouded in mystery.

ELAINE: A globe? What's so special about it?

PETERMAN: This isn't just any globe, Elaine. This is a map to a lost civilization. Or possibly just a really old globe. Find out!

ELAINE: Right, a lost civilization. I'll get right on that.

PETERMAN: Your sarcasm wounds me, Elaine. But the globe needs answers!

SCENE 4: INT. MONK'S - DAY

JERRY: So, you killed pigeons on your date?

GEORGE: It was an accident! They just walked out in front of the car! She thinks I'm a monster!

JERRY: Well, you did kill a bunch of pigeons.

GEORGE: I'm a marine biologist! I'm supposed to save animals, not run them over!

JERRY: Maybe you should stick to saving whales.

GEORGE: It's over, Jerry. My dating life is officially over.

JERRY: Well, at least you can say you went out with a bang... or a squawk.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

JERRY:
Pigeons. They're like the street gangs of the bird world. They just hang around, looking menacing, leaving their mark on everything. And they're not afraid of anything! Except maybe a really big car.