70. The Discount
OPENING MONOLOGUE
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:You ever notice how stores always have these 'going out of business' sales? Like, how many businesses can actually be going out of business at any given time? It's a business model! 'Hey, let's open a store, pretend to go bankrupt in six months, and clean up!' And the discounts! They start at ten percent, then twenty, then fifty. You know you're in trouble when they start putting percentages on the windows.
SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY
JERRY: So, this tailor, right? He's advertising '50% off everything! Going out of business!' I'm thinking, perfect time to get my good suit altered.
ELAINE: Oh, a going-out-of-business sale. Those are always so depressing.
GEORGE: Depressing? Elaine, that's free money! Opportunity! I once got a VCR for half price at one of those. Lasted three weeks.
JERRY: Well, he's got my suit now. And he seemed… agitated. Like he was already halfway to bankruptcy court.
ELAINE: Just make sure he doesn't botch it. I had a dress ruined once by a 'discount' dry cleaner.
SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
KRAMER: Jerry! Jerry! You won't believe it! Bob Sacamano told me about this… this warehouse…
JERRY: Kramer, I’m dealing with a tailor who’s about to disappear off the face of the earth with my best suit! A warehouse is not my priority!
KRAMER: But Jerry, this warehouse! It's selling day-old bagels for a nickel each! A NICKEL!
JERRY: Day-old bagels? Kramer, those are hockey pucks! You can't eat those!
KRAMER: Think of the possibilities, Jerry! Bagel sandwiches! Bagel chips! Bagel… art!
SCENE 3: INT. GOING-OUT-OF-BUSINESS TAILOR SHOP - DAY
JERRY: So, uh, how's the suit coming?
TAILOR: (Without looking up) Almost… almost finished… Big discounts, huh? People love a bargain.
JERRY: Well, I certainly do. But, you know, quality is important too.
TAILOR: Quality! Hah! Quality doesn't pay the rent! Discounts pay the rent! Temporarily, anyway.
JERRY: Look, I just need the suit back. I have a date on Saturday.
SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
ELAINE: Oh, Jerry. What happened?
JERRY: The tailor! He panicked! He took the 'going out of business' thing a little too literally! Now I can barely breathe.
GEORGE: Look at the bright side, Jerry. At least you got a discount.
JERRY: A discount on a suit I can't wear! I'd rather pay full price and have it fit!
KRAMER: (Juggling bagels) Relax, Jerry! You can borrow one of my shirts! I got a great deal on them at the 'slightly damaged' store!
CLOSING MONOLOGUE
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:So, what is it with these 'bargain' stores? You ever notice the stuff they're selling? It's always slightly off. A shirt with a missing button, a book with a bent cover, a can of soup with a dent. It's like they're selling the rejects of society! And we're buying them! We're so desperate for a deal, we'll take anything. We're like, 'Yeah, I'll take that damaged toaster! I don't care if it only toasts one side! It's half price!'