79. The Coat Check
OPENING MONOLOGUE
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:What is the deal with the coat check? You pay someone to hold your coat for two hours in a room where nobody is going to touch it. It’s the only business where you pay money to get your own belongings returned to you. If I held someone’s jacket in my living room for two hours and demanded five dollars, they’d call the police!
SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY
GEORGE: Three dollars! They want three dollars per item! Coat, three dollars. Hat, three dollars. What if I have a scarf, Jerry? Am I looking at a nine-dollar winter outfit tax?
JERRY: It’s a coat check, George. You’re paying for peace of mind. You don't want to carry a wet jacket around a nice restaurant.
GEORGE: Peace of mind? I’m in agony the entire dinner wondering if the attendant is wearing my cashmere! I’d rather freeze outside than pay extortion.
JERRY: Nobody wants to wear your sweater, George. It has elbow patches from 1988.
GEORGE: They are vintage! And I refuse to tip on top of the fee. Tipping for handing me back a hanger? Never!
JERRY: Well, good luck getting your coat back next time without a mystery stain.
SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
JERRY: Whoa! Look at you. Did you rob an opera house?
KRAMER: Jerry, I’ve hit the jackpot! I swapped tickets at the club last night. Handed the guy number forty-two instead of forty-three!
JERRY: That’s steal, Kramer. You stole a mink coat!
KRAMER: It’s not stealing if they gave it to me! It’s coat roulette! Now I’m starting my own wardrobe concierge in the basement. Five bucks a month!
JERRY: You can’t store clothes in the building basement. The super will throw it out!
KRAMER: The super is my first subscriber! He’s putting his parkas down there today!
SCENE 3: INT. RESTAURANT LOBBY - NIGHT
ELAINE: How could you lose the ticket? We’ve been standing here for fifteen minutes!
JERRY: I had it! It was in my pocket next to the mints. I ate a mint, and now the claim check is gone!
ELAINE: Did you swallow the ticket, Jerry? Is that what happened?
JERRY: It’s possible! It was a tiny piece of paper! Now the coat guy won't give me my windbreaker.
ELAINE: Just describe it to him! Tell him it’s blue and smells faintly of laundry detergent.
JERRY: Every jacket in New York is blue and smells like detergent! He wants verification, Elaine!
SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
JERRY: Where is your jacket? It’s twenty degrees outside!
GEORGE: I protested! I refused to pay the three-dollar fee, so I left my jacket on a chair. Someone took it!
JERRY: So to save three dollars, you lost a two-hundred-dollar jacket?
GEORGE: It’s the principle! I won't be bullied by the coat mafia!
JERRY: Well, Kramer’s basement wardrobe flooded, so all his 'concierge' coats are ruined anyway.
GEORGE: At least he had a system!
CLOSING MONOLOGUE
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:The worst part of losing your coat ticket is the interrogation. 'Can you describe the coat?' Yes, it’s long, it has sleeves, and it’s keeping some other guy warm right now!