71. The Upcharge
OPENING MONOLOGUE
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:What is the deal with hidden fees? You buy a ticket for forty dollars, and then at checkout, there's a processing fee, a convenience fee, a venue fee... by the time you're done, you've paid for the building! It’s like buying a shirt and being charged extra for the buttons. 'Well, you wanted it to stay closed, didn't you? That’s extra!'
SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
GEORGE: Seventy-five cents! They charged me seventy-five cents for an extra slice of tomato on my sandwich!
JERRY: It’s the upcharge, George. Everything has a surcharge now. I went to that new coffee shop on 81st—seventy-five cents for splash of almond milk. Splash!
GEORGE: A splash? A splash is a gesture! You don't charge for a gesture!
KRAMER: (bursts through the door carrying three heavy suits on hangers) Jerry! Look at these pressed lapels!
JERRY: Where did you get those? Did you rob a haberdashery?
KRAMER: I'm doing dry cleaning now! Steam, pressing, starch—all from the radiator! Zero overhead, baby!
SCENE 2: INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY
BARISTA: That’s four-fifty for the drip, plus seventy-five cents for almond milk.
JERRY: Hold on. I brought my own almond milk. I just want the regular drip.
BARISTA: Outside dairy fee. Fifty cents.
ELAINE: (intervening) Outside dairy fee? Are you out of your mind?
BARISTA: It’s policy. We have to wipe down the counter after unapproved cartons.
JERRY: Unapproved cartons? It’s nut juice! It doesn't have a record!
SCENE 3: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY
ELAINE: What is going on under your jacket? You look like you're smuggling a torpedo.
GEORGE: Free refills, Elaine! The menu clearly says 'Free Refills on Iced Tea.' It doesn't specify the container!
ELAINE: You're pouring the diner's iced tea into a two-gallon thermos?
GEORGE: I paid three dollars for the cup! I’m amortizing the cost!
ELAINE: You’re cheap. That’s not amortizing, that’s theft by beverage.
SCENE 4: INT. KRAMER'S APARTMENT - DAY
JERRY: (coughing) Kramer! It’s a sauna in here! My jacket is shrinking just standing near you!
KRAMER: (wearing oven mitts and wielding a hot iron) That’s the steam-lock system! It seals in the fresh pine scent!
JERRY: It smells like melted carpet!
KRAMER: Well, you want press-lines or don't you? That’ll be two dollars... plus a fifty-cent steam-upcharge.
JERRY: Not you too!
CLOSING MONOLOGUE
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:People love finding loopholes. If a restaurant says 'all-you-can-eat,' somebody takes that as a personal challenge from the chef. 'Oh yeah? We'll see about that!' They bring zip-lock bags, they wear expandable pants... Nobody leaves full, they leave victorious!