73. The Apology

OPENING MONOLOGUE

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

JERRY:
You ever notice how some people just can't apologize? It's like a character flaw, a complete inability to admit they're wrong. They'll hem and haw, make excuses, anything but just say 'I'm sorry.' And then there are the 'non-apology' apologies. 'I'm sorry you feel that way.' That's not an apology! That's you blaming ME for YOUR mistake! It's like saying, 'I'm sorry you're so sensitive.' What am I supposed to do with that? Stop feeling? Is that even possible?

SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

JERRY: No, I understand, Mr. Lippman. But the fruit basket? Really? After all these years? (pause) Fine, yes, I'll accept it. But that doesn't mean I'm happy about it. (hangs up)

ELAINE: Fruit basket? What was that about?

JERRY: Lippman sent me a fruit basket as an apology for... well, it's a long story. The point is, it's a weak apology. A pathetic attempt to smooth things over.

KRAMER: Apologies! Oh, the bane of my existence! You know, I once got a taxidermied squirrel as an apology!

ELAINE: A taxidermied squirrel? Who apologizes with that?

SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY

GEORGE: This woman at work, she spilled coffee all over my new shirt! Ruined it! And all I get is a mumbled 'sorry'? A mumbled 'sorry'?!

JERRY: The mumbled 'sorry'. Classic. It's like they're apologizing to the floor, not you.

ELAINE: You know, sometimes I think people just apologize to shut you up. It's a preemptive strike against further complaining.

GEORGE: Well, it didn't work! I deserve a real apology! Maybe even dry cleaning reimbursement!

JERRY: George, you're going to demand dry cleaning reimbursement for a coffee stain? That's a little... much.

SCENE 3: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

KRAMER: (into phone) No, I will not accept a gift certificate to Reggie's Rawhide Emporium! I wanted an apology! A sincere, heartfelt apology!

JERRY: What's going on, Kramer? Who's offering you a gift certificate to a leather store?

KRAMER: Bob Sacamano's cousin! He accidentally superglued my toupee to a bowling ball!

JERRY: He superglued your toupee to a bowling ball? How does that even happen?

KRAMER: It's a long story, Jerry! The point is, I deserve more than a gift certificate to buy... (shudders) ...leather chaps!

SCENE 4: INT. MONK'S - DAY

ELAINE: So, I demanded a better apology from that guy in accounting who used my stapler to build a miniature Eiffel Tower. He said, 'My bad.' 'My bad'?! That's the best he could do?

GEORGE: I sent that woman at work a strongly worded email about the coffee stain. She CC'd the entire office and called me 'petty and vindictive'. Now I'm the bad guy!

JERRY: You know, maybe some people just can't apologize. Maybe it's a genetic defect. Like a missing apology gene.

ELAINE: Or maybe they're just jerks.

GEORGE: Well, whatever it is, I'm still wearing a coffee-stained shirt. And my reputation is ruined!

CLOSING MONOLOGUE

INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT

JERRY:
And what about the apologies we give? Are they always sincere? I mean, sometimes you just apologize to get out of a situation. You don't really mean it. You're just saying the words. It's like a social lubricant. 'Sorry I bumped into you.' 'Sorry I cut you off.' Are we really sorry? Or are we just trying to avoid a confrontation? Maybe the world would be a better place if we all just stopped apologizing. Just owned our mistakes. Stood our ground. Of course, then we'd probably be at war with each other all the time. So, maybe apologies aren't so bad after all. Even the insincere ones.