74. The Raincoat
OPENING MONOLOGUE
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:What is the deal with rainwear? We have satellite technology that can predict the weather down to the second, but our primary defense against precipitation is still just a piece of plastic mounted on top of a stick. You open it up, a gust of wind hits, and suddenly you're holding a black metal bird carcass. And trench coats? Nobody is in a trench! You're just walking to a Duane Reade.
SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY
JERRY: Feel this lining, George. Silk! Silk lining! I picked this up on the rack by the door on the way in.
GEORGE: Wait a minute, Jerry... that's not your raincoat. Yours was yellow and looked like it belonged to a crossing guard.
JERRY: It was navy blue! But... wait, you're right. This isn't mine. Someone grabbed mine and left this one!
GEORGE: Jerry, that’s a Burberry! That’s an eight-hundred-dollar coat! You just got upgraded by a fool with bad vision!
JERRY: I can't keep this! What if the owner comes back? I'm a coat thief!
GEORGE: You didn't steal it, it was an exchange! An involuntary trade! If he wanted his coat, he shouldn't have hung it next to a civilian's jackets!
SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
KRAMER: Jerry! Look at this wind-resistance rating! I'm testing umbrellas in the hallway with a high-powered leaf blower!
JERRY: Kramer, Mrs. Ross is going to complain to the board again about the draft.
KRAMER: She's got no vision, Jerry! The wind tunnel is a vital service! Hey... where'd you get the slicker?
JERRY: It’s an accidental diner swap. And there's a receipt in the pocket for a dry cleaner on 81st. I have to return it.
KRAMER: You can't go back now! The coat chain of custody has been broken! It’s wild now, Jerry! It belongs to the city!
SCENE 3: INT. DRY CLEANERS - DAY
ELAINE: I can't believe you convinced Jerry to let you try to return it for store credit.
GEORGE: He didn't want the guilt, I don't want the poverty. It’s a perfect match.
ELAINE: You know the owner of the shop probably knows who bought it. They have records, George!
GEORGE: I’m just picking up... a claim. I'll say I lost the ticket. Watch a master at work.
ELAINE: If you end up in coat prison, I’m not visiting.
SCENE 4: INT. MONK'S DINER - NIGHT
JERRY: So the guy at the dry cleaner recognized the coat immediately because it belonged to his brother-in-law?
GEORGE: And he kept my old coat as a holding fee! I walked out in the rain wearing a trash bag!
ELAINE: At least you didn't get hit by Kramer's leaf-blower setup on the way into the building.
KRAMER: Hey, that umbrella held up for four seconds against gale-force winds! It’s a success!
JERRY: So I went from a navy blue jacket to a luxury trench, to a toddler's emergency poncho. That's progress.
CLOSING MONOLOGUE
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:That’s the risk of coat racks at restaurants. It’s the original honor system, which is crazy because nobody in a restaurant has any honor. We’re all sitting there calculating tip percentages down to the penny, but we trust each other with three-hundred-dollar outerwear? The moment it rains, all civil law vanishes. It’s every man and his makeshift poncho for himself.