75. The Reservation
OPENING MONOLOGUE
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:You ever try to make a reservation at a restaurant? It's like a negotiation with a hostage situation. 'Yes, I'd like a table for four on Saturday night.' 'I'm sorry, sir, we're fully booked.' Fully booked? What, did the books suddenly grow legs and run away? What happened to 7:30? Did the restaurant get tired of 7:30? And the way they make you feel guilty! 'Perhaps you could try again next month?' Next month? I might be dead next month! This is dinner, not a mortgage!
SCENE 1: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
JERRY: No, I understand you're busy. But it's been two weeks! Two weeks and still no reservation? (beat) Fine, I'll call back tomorrow. (Hangs up)
ELAINE: Problems with the new girlfriend?
JERRY: Worse. I can't get a reservation at that new Italian place, 'Luigi's'. I've been trying for weeks.
ELAINE: Luigi's? Oh, I heard it's impossible to get in there. What's in the bag? New stationary?
JERRY: Well, now the girlfriend's mad I can't get a reservation, so it's two problems. And it's not like I can just show up!
SCENE 2: INT. MONK'S - DAY
GEORGE: You know, the butter to toast ratio is crucial. Too much, and it's a greasy mess. Too little, and you might as well be eating cardboard.
KRAMER: George! You won't believe what happened. I was trying to return this toaster oven I bought, and they said I needed a receipt! A receipt!
GEORGE: Well, you need a receipt. It's called proof of purchase. It's how the world works, Kramer.
KRAMER: But I bought it with cash! There's no record! This is an outrage! I'm being punished for using currency!
GEORGE: Maybe you should've used a credit card. Or, you know, kept the receipt. This butter's too cold.
SCENE 3: INT. LUIGI'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT
MAITRE D': I'm sorry, sir, but there's still no table available. We're running about an hour behind.
JERRY: An hour? But I made the reservation two weeks ago! What's the point of a reservation if you still have to wait an hour?
GIRLFRIEND: This is ridiculous, Jerry. I'm starving. Maybe we should just go somewhere else.
JERRY: We're not leaving. I've waited two weeks. I'm seeing this through. We'll just go to the bar and wait.
GIRLFRIEND: I swear, I'm going to start eating the decorative lemons if we don't get a table soon.
SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
JERRY: So, we waited an hour and a half, and then they gave our table away. The reservation meant nothing!
ELAINE: That's why I prefer take-out. No reservations, no waiting, just pizza.
KRAMER: I did it! I got my toaster oven returned! I found the receipt! It was in the lining of my coat!
GEORGE: See, Kramer? The receipt. Proof of purchase. The cornerstone of modern society.
JERRY: Wait a minute... You returned the toaster oven? The one I was going to use to make toast so I could butter it to the perfect ratio?
CLOSING MONOLOGUE
INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:What is it with restaurants and their seating arrangements? You make a reservation, you're expecting a nice table, maybe by the window. But no, they always try to stick you next to the kitchen, or the bathroom, or some screaming kid. It's like they're saying, 'We have a table for you, but you're not worthy of a good one.' I mean, if I wanted to sit next to the bathroom, I'd stay home!