79. The Valet
OPENING MONOLOGUE
INT. STAND-UP COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:What is the tipping standard for valets? You give a guy two dollars to drive your car thirty feet. If I moved my own car thirty feet, nobody would give me two dollars. They'd call the police and ask why I parked in the crosswalk. And why do they always run to get your car? They run out like it's an emergency. 'Quick! Get the Honda! He needs to go to Bed Bath & Beyond immediately!'
SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S DINER - DAY
[Jerry and George sit across from each other in a booth at Monk's Cafe, surrounded by coffee cups and half-eaten diner food.]
JERRY: So I handed him five bucks. Five bucks! For parking a sedan!
GEORGE: Five dollars? Jerry, you're ruining the economy! You're inflating the valet baseline!
JERRY: He sprinted to the car, George. Sprinting requires compensation. If a man runs for my vehicle, I can't give him pocket change.
GEORGE: He's running because he's cold! It's fifty degrees out there!
JERRY: Anyway, now every time I go to the restaurant, he expects five. He bowed to me, George. He bowed!
GEORGE: Meanwhile, I took my car to the dealership. They have a '100% Satisfaction Guarantee' on all service work.
JERRY: And you weren't satisfied?
GEORGE: I told them the floor mats lacked luster. Free interior detailing! Guaranteed!
SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY
[Elaine stands beside Jerry's kitchen counter while Kramer rummages through Jerry's open refrigerator.]
ELAINE: Did you go back to the restaurant?
JERRY: I tried to park down the street to avoid him, but there was a fire hydrant.
KRAMER: You can't avoid the valet, Jerry. The valet is the gatekeeper of your automotive soul!
JERRY: He handed me my keys with both hands, like he was presenting a samurai sword.
ELAINE: Just give him two dollars next time. Lower the bar.
JERRY: I can't go from five to two! That's a sixty percent drop! He'll think I'm furious with his work!
KRAMER: Or worse... he'll put the seat all the way back and change your radio presets.
JERRY: Not the presets!
SCENE 3: INT. DEALERSHIP SERVICE LOBBY - DAY
[George stands at a sleek service desk, talking animatedly across the counter to a stoic service manager.]
GEORGE: Look at those windows. There's a smudge on the passenger side quarter panel.
SERVICE MANAGER: Sir, we cleaned the car three times. That's a shadow.
GEORGE: Shadow or grime, I am not one hundred percent satisfied!
SERVICE MANAGER: Mr. Costanza, our guarantee covers mechanics, not your personal definition of cleanliness.
GEORGE: It says 'Satisfaction Guarantee'! It doesn't say 'Mechanical Satisfaction Guarantee'!
SERVICE MANAGER: Fine. We will re-wash it, but you have to wait in the lounge.
GEORGE: Is there complimentary coffee in the lounge?
SERVICE MANAGER: We ran out ten minutes ago.
SCENE 4: EXT. RESTAURANT VALET STAND - NIGHT
[Jerry stands nervously outside the fancy restaurant beside the podium while the eager valet runs up carrying Jerry's car keys.]
VALET: Here you go, sir! Warm, turned around, ready for departure!
JERRY: Thanks... thanks a lot.
JERRY: Here's... three dollars.
VALET: Three dollars? Is everything alright, sir? Did I adjust the mirrors incorrectly?
JERRY: No, no! The mirrors were magnificent! It's just... three is the standard!
VALET: I see. I will strive to earn back your full confidence next time, Mr. Seinfeld.
JERRY: Don't strive! Please, stop striving!
VALET: I won't rest until you're five-dollar satisfied!
CLOSING MONOLOGUE
INT. STAND-UP COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT
JERRY:Tipping is the only transaction where you pay extra money to make sure nobody gets mad at you. You're not buying a service, you're buying peace of mind. And if you give too much, they treat you like royalty, which is terrible, because now you have to live up to it. Next time I'm just parking five blocks away and walking in the rain.