9. The Stain

OPENING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
What's the deal with dry cleaning? You pay someone to clean your clothes, and then *they* tell *you* when you can pick them up? It's my clothing! I paid you! It's like renting a car, driving it back to the rental place and them saying "Sorry, come back Tuesday, it's not ready yet." What are they doing in there? Giving the pants tiny little massages? Fluffing the lint?

SCENE 1: INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY

[Jerry and Elaine are at a booth] JERRY: So I'm at this new Thai place, right? Ordered the Pad See Ew. Delicious. But then, disaster. ELAINE: Oh no, what happened? Food poisoning? JERRY: Worse. I spilled a massive glob of peanut sauce right on my new white shirt. Dead center. Like a bullseye. ELAINE: Oof. That's a tough one. JERRY: Tough? It's a death sentence for a white shirt. It's over. I might as well just bury it now. It had a good life. ELAINE: Have you tried club soda? JERRY: Club soda? This isn't a grape juice stain, Elaine. This is industrial strength peanut adhesive. I need a hazmat team. [Kramer slides into the booth, wearing a brightly colored tie-dye shirt] KRAMER: Hey! Peanut sauce, huh? I've got just the thing. JERRY: Oh yeah, what's that, Kramer? A team of trained squirrels with tiny spoons? KRAMER: Better. My new all-natural, homemade stain remover! Made with beet juice, baking soda, and the secret ingredient... [He leans in conspiratorially] KRAMER: ...pigeon feathers. JERRY: Pigeon feathers? Kramer, that sounds less like a stain remover and more like something you'd find in a witch's cauldron. KRAMER: Trust me, Jerry, it works miracles.

SCENE 2: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY

[Jerry is inspecting his stained shirt. Kramer enters with a jar of his concoction] KRAMER: Alright, let's get to work! This stain doesn't stand a chance. [He dabs some of the mixture onto the stain] JERRY: Kramer, that smells like...rotten eggs and...is that...ginger? KRAMER: It's a complex aroma, Jerry. You have to let it breathe. [George enters, wearing a pristine white shirt] GEORGE: Hey! New shirt, Jerry? JERRY: It was new. Now it's a peanut sauce canvas. GEORGE: Oh man, that's a shame. White shirts are so hard to keep clean. You know, I've got a system. I only wear mine once, then straight to the cleaners. Keeps 'em looking brand new. [He preens] KRAMER: George, you're wasting your money! My stain remover... GEORGE: Kramer, I'm not putting pigeon feathers anywhere near my shirt. Thanks, but no thanks.

SCENE 3: INT. MONK'S CAFE - DAY

[Elaine is at the counter, talking to Newman] ELAINE: So, you're telling me you can't get this stain out? NEWMAN: [Smugly] Afraid not. It's set in. A real tragedy. A white shirt, gone too soon. ELAINE: But I just dropped it off yesterday! NEWMAN: Some stains, Elaine, are just...destined to remain. [He gives her a knowing look] ELAINE: This is ridiculous! There has to be something you can do. NEWMAN: There is one thing... [He leans in close] NEWMAN: I could...lose it. ELAINE: Lose it? NEWMAN: For a small...consideration. [He rubs his thumb and forefinger together] ELAINE: You're trying to extort me for a clean shirt? NEWMAN: I prefer to think of it as...a stain relocation service.

SCENE 4: INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - EVENING

[Jerry is wearing a brightly colored tie-dye shirt, identical to Kramer's] JERRY: Kramer, I can't believe I'm saying this, but...your stain remover worked. KRAMER: I told you! Pigeon feathers, Jerry, they're magic! [George enters, holding his stained white shirt. He has a large, pink stain right in the center] GEORGE: Kramer! Your "miracle" stain remover ruined my shirt! It's worse than the peanut sauce! KRAMER: What?! That's impossible! Let me see that. [He examines the stain] KRAMER: Oh. Yeah, that's beet juice. You must have gotten some of the...concentrated formula. GEORGE: Concentrated formula?! [Elaine enters, wearing a brand new white shirt] ELAINE: Hey Jerry, new shirt? JERRY: Long story. [Elaine notices George's shirt] ELAINE: George, what happened to you? Did you spill borscht on yourself? GEORGE: It's beet juice! Kramer's beet juice! [Kramer shrugs] KRAMER: Hey, at least it's not peanut sauce.

CLOSING MONOLOGUE - (INT. COMEDY CLUB - NIGHT)

JERRY:
So now I'm walking around looking like I escaped from a Grateful Dead concert. All thanks to Kramer and his pigeon-feathered potion. You know, they say you can't judge a book by its cover, but you can definitely judge a stain remover by its smell. And if it smells like a petting zoo after a rainstorm, maybe...just maybe...you should stick with club soda.